Walk A Mile In My Shoes

There are times in your life when you just need to let some feelings out that can't go on paper and be hidden away from the world for the rest of time. A time when you try so hard to just put all of your anger and strife in a little box and tuck it away in the farthest corners of the world. I must say that this business of marriage equality is something I find tremendously troubling. I'll stop here for a second. Why? Because my stance on this issue is a lot more personal than one might imagine. You can ask me how I believe in God and how I can read the Bible and still make this choice, but all I can say is I just do. Times change and love is love and it's what I firmly believe.

A lot of people I have known for a long time do not completely understand my mind set and I will gladly tell you that it took me a long time to get here. I stand up for me and my fellow friends and I say to you, why care what goes on behind someone else's door when it will go on whether you like it or not? As a Jesus follower, I agree that we should do our best to spread His word and help people's eyes open to the unforseen opportunities that God gives us. However, I disagree that giving equal rights to those whom deserve it is wrong or against what God wants. We don't know, really. We do not have a way of knowing for absolute sure that God disagrees and that is where I stop. My life will not be defined by the words spoken of my fellow men or the words spoken by people who call themselves Christians and turn around just to shove Biblical references in peoples' faces. (Because, trust me, that does not make people feel good in any way. It makes them angry, frustrated, and defensive.)

So, you say, then what do we do? I may believe in equal rights for all of mankind. I may believe that homosexuality isn't wrong and that is my choice. You may believe that it's a sin and should be fought as hard as possible, but we should both do the same thing. Love them. Love those around us regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, beliefs, and views on this particular matter. Stop fighting and just love. God does not ask us to make signs and fight for something so hard. God asks us to love. Love the girls who are hiding behind close doors, terrified of their lives because they don't feel like themselves. Love the men who block out the noise in their heads by hurting themselves because it's just too hard. You don't have to agree, you can even say you don't, but you don't need to push so hard. Neither side does. Because this... This whole fight for marriage equality is based on the one thing God tells us is most important.

Love.

I have crawled into a hole for so long. I have hidden who I am and felt the need to lie to myself and others about my feelings, my fears, and my needs all at once and it has destroyed me in the past. It has pushed me into a dark place before and I have to tell you that I am more than happy with myself now. I am free, I feel amazing about myself and I really couldn't give a care about what other people think. I love who I love and I don't have to defend that, no matter what other people think. I nod my head nicely and stroll away on firm, solid ground because I am a believer and I am me. God made me this way and I can't thank Him enough.

xoxo, Madison

P.S. This whole losing weight thing? Totally not easy. I've gotten down, but not to anywhere near where I want to be. I've gotta kick my butt back into shape.

You Are The Weapon I Choose

So, it's been awhile and I'm really not surprised- I tend to forget about things far too easily. Here comes that dreaded post that I think every single female makes at least once in their life. Whethere it's in your journal, diary, on your blog, or spoken in a conversation, you've definitely talked about body image. My opinion on the matter will come through within this post. For now, I want to give you some perspective from a girl who has spent the majority of her life overweight. I want people to understand my mindset. I want them to look at the overweight people of the world and stop calling them lazy and start realizing that, in some cases, it's just not easy. Weight is something we can all control. Exercise, eating the right food, even getting sun can help with that. However, mindset isn't something we can control as easily.

Growing up in a loving family has been amazing and, lately, incredibly eye opening. However, every family has its struggles and most of my immediate family has struggled with weight. My first point? Your genes play into your weight/body type. I am not going to lie, I am big and I have always been pretty big. Of course, being five foot eleven has definitely been helpful in this case. I look like I weigh less than I do and my body fat is distributed across my body (not as helpful). I wish I had one problem area and it's something I've wished for a long time. I think I first noticed I was 'fat' when I was about ten. I remember being picked on for it. Which, in my opinion, is incredibly weird. What in the world does weight have to do with a poor elementary school child? Who on earth is instilling that attitude into their children? It will always baffle me and I will strive to make sure that is one of many things my own kids do not do. Because guess what? The words that those ten year old girls and boys still haunt me today.

A little bit more perspective? I said I'd get pretty personal in my blog and I'm going to be real with all of you. I have definitely had my moments of thinking that this life was too hard due to my weight because my body image was so low. After elementary school, I tied to be tough. I tried to act like this big bad person in middle school in order for people to be too afraid to comment on my weight. Of course, who was I kidding? That didn't work either. So, then high school came. I was, what? Fourteen at this point? And people were ruthless. They didn't give a care to how their words were going to make me feel. Belittling my personality because I was larger than most. However, things changed when I hit the end of my Senior year. I don't know what it was and I wish I did, but something clicked. I realized that I didn't have to live with people calling me big as an insult.

I refuse to look in the mirror and call myself fat any longer. I refuse to let the people of my past haunt my future. I refuse to let my weight take over my life. And guess what? It works. I've been taking control over what I eat and I feel wonderful. I feel energized, I feel enriched, I feel entirely transformed as a human being, and I've lost upwards of ten or fifteen pounds without feeling deprived. I don't know what else to say, so I'll leave you with the following words that I tell myself each and every day.

You are strong, beautiful, and you are a champion. You can do anything and I mean anything that you set your mind to. The people who are against you don't matter anymore. It's all about support and being supportive. Love yourself and love those around you. Your body is not who you are.

P.S. I can now button up a shirt I wasn't able to even fit my arms into a few weeks ago.
P.P.S. I kind of am loving the way I look. Secret? I definitely stare at myself in the mirror smiling way too much now. 

I love you all.
xoxo,
Madison.

Some Nights.

So, it's all beginning to be more real than ever. While I should be studying for finals, I can't help but sit here and think of this year ending. (Might I add that the outcomes of my final exams may not be so great this semester...?) In fact, I'm tearing up at the mere thought of not living at Purdue for three months. The past year has been the most incredible experience for me. I have met incredible people, learned incredible things, and discovered myself throughout this incredible process. My dear, I can't fathom what this summer is going to be like. No matter what the outcome of the exams I take, no matter what the grades I receive in my classes, I have most definitely accomplished the best things of my life this year.I have discovered many things about myself- my love for coffee, my adoration for Red Bull, my need to be around people who know me, my incredibly weird study habits, my greatly complicated thought process, and so much more. I must say that this whole college thing is much more beneficial to my life than people hint at.

I have to say, these months of my first year at Purdue are ones I will never forget. I was asked what my favorite part of my life has been and while other people answered the same question, I couldn't help but actually realize that this time in my life, these moments right now, they're the best part of it all. After all, what other years have beat it out? When else could I have realized that the person I am isn't so bad in the end? There is a song by Fun. that says "What do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know anymore." If I had to explain where I came from in August 2011, it was there. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted people to think of me. However, right now, in April of 2012... I'm feeling pretty good. I stand for the things that matter and I am so confident in the woman I have become, I can hardly keep it contained. I know, I've kind of posted about this same things before, but I can't help it! I am so amazed by what has happened in my life this year. So, as the boxes are packed and my walls empty the secrets they've contained for the year, I vow to hold myself together. I vow to not cry anymore and to know that the people I've met and memories I've made will stick with me throughout the rest of my life.

On another note, there are people who I need to thank. I write online, a lot actually, and through that I have met some of the greatest people you would ever meet. Kearstin, Meghan, Amber, Mandy, Ashley, Kat, and Mikayla, thank you. Thank you from the deepest part of my being for knowing who I am and still accepting me. Thank you for dealing with my obnoxious rambling, my most random moments, my constant confusion, and most of all, for dealing with my needy tendencies. You're all fabulous and if there is anything I can do for you, please never hesitate to ask. Meghan - just thank you for never failing me and never ignoring me just because I'm confused, not making sense, or being the most ridiculous person ever. Kearstin - I can't thank you enough for helping me find out things about me that other people never could have realized. I know you're having a rough time right now, but you'll get through it. Amber - I don't even know where to start. Just thank you for everything. Ashley - thanks for getting me through some really rough patches in my life. Mandy - you know what you've done for me and I greatly appreciate you.

xx Madison Rose

"Some nights, I wish that this all would end, 'Cause I could use some friends for a change."

All The Pretty Girls.

As this year is coming to a close, I can feel my friends and I becoming less school oriented and getting into that summer haze. College is something that I have dubbed as unexplainable. I've been asked by multiple people what college is truly like and I don't know how to answer that. I honestly believe that every person experiences something different and that nobody really has the same outlook as another. But I know what I can say... I love college. I love the experience that I've had so far. I love who I have been molded into by this year. My family and I recently had the discussing of what we believe the best time period of our lives has been so far. I am proud to say this past year has been that for me and I look forward to my future years of college. Freshman year is two weeks away from being finished and I have never felt so bittersweet. I have met some of the sweetest, most incredible people and couldn't have expected it when I first got to Purdue. While Purdue is a huge university and it definitely feels like you're going to just be one of the random students, it has such a sense of community. Most Boilermakers have one certain thing in common from what I've seen and that is drive. They are driven to do the things that they whole heartedly believe in and I believe that is what makes us all be able to interact so easily. Often enough, I find myself walking to class and waving to someone I know or even just smiling at a stranger. On such a large campus with so many students, you would never expect to see someone you know on a daily basis. It's incredible.

The picture above shows three of the best friends that I could ask for. Meeting them this year has been an answer to so many prayers over the years and I don't know what I'd do without them. Katie is on the far left and she has the most carefree, loving spirit ever. Christine is to the right of yours truly and often makes comments that are unforgettable as well as being the one person I feel like I can always open up to with no judgements being made. Then there's Chelsea, who makes my days funnier and has a lot more wisdom than even she can see. I'm not going to bore you with the amazing qualities of these three girls, but I want it to be clear that I have never felt such a bond with people in my life. They understand me and I don't feel like I've only known them for nine months- I feel like I've known them for years. (Neale, Debbie, Alisha, Emily, Erin, and Payton have all been quite awesome to get to know as well!)

As a person who has had many hardships with friends in the past, I'm proud to say I don't think that will happen with these girls. I honestly believe we will remain friends as the years go by. So, as the days dwindle by and the end of the year continues to get closer, I wish all the students well, all of the parents patience, and the rest of you, I wish you luck in whatever endeavors you will encounter.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin 

xx Madison

The Start of Something New.

 Welcome to my world.

I never thought that I'd be the type of person to actually want to blog about my life or thoughts and let other people read it. I've always been told that I'm a good writer and I even enjoy it, but I never really show it to that many people. I have dozens of short stories that might be posted here, but to be honest, I don't know what this blog will really entail. There may be tidbits of my life and random things about what I've discovered about myself along the way. There may be paragraphs of disgruntled writing that pertain to people who I randomly encounter. There may be thoughts of my day or completely irrelevant realizations. I suppose this first post is a warning of sorts. A warning that states: Don't continue reading if you don't want to be confused with the thoughts, events, and desires of one Madison Rose Gutwein.

I'm not sure if people hold an expectation for me and I guess that's the scariest part of starting something so public like this. While most people put up these fronts and walls, I like to keep mine torn down. I dislike any sort of hidden emotion or drive because it honestly feels like lying to me. I don't want people to sit there reading what I write and thinking that it doesn't sound like me or 'Madi wouldn't really think about something like that, would she?'. In all reality, my words come across so much easier when they're written down. Writing is free and expressive. It's something you can't really hide behind if you're being honest with yourself and others.

The title of my blog, I Once Was Lost, is in no way just a reference to the hymn 'Amazing Grace'. Sorry to disappoint, but I mean it as so much more than what God has done for me. I have just now reached a point where I feel as though I'm no longer lost. I'm no longer scrambling to find out who I am (though I do realize this may change as time goes by), I'm no longer attempting to find something better in life, and I'm no longer struggling with the person that God has shaped me into. So, while I once was, in fact, lost, I believe that I am found and I will continue to find myself in this world as I am shaped by His guidance.

xx Madison